This is not an easy blog for me to write. In fact, sitting here today in 2014, I wish I did not have to write this blog. I am a woman and I write this with great respect for my gender and hope to change the world for women. My life long passion!

Last week an executive colleague/client asked me to help him with a delicate problem. He had hit a roadblock (and sounded totally exhausted). After 10 years of working with his direct report (I will call her Jane), he felt he could no longer keep Jane in his group and that he was not able to promote her. Ironically, it is not because Jane is not competent. She is extremely competent in her job, but impossible to speak honestly with.

Turns out every time he (or other executives) try to speak with Jane, she takes any and all comments or input very personally, tears up and the meeting becomes a fiasco. It started years ago during annual reviews, but in the last few years, it has evolved into tears at every critical meeting (with more tears at times after the meeting). He discovered later that others on the team were also unable to speak honestly with Jane. Everyone was guarded and on pins and needles around Jane.

It starts out with first calling a meeting (which Jane wants to know the exact reason for- this really limits brainstorming). Jane loves compliments but as soon as someone says the following: “Can you tell me why you took this approach?” Or “Why not try other alternatives?”, OR “Hey this is not working, we need to change plans.” at this point, Jane will erupt if in fact more than one person has negative input. Questioning or reviewing the process is not FAILURE, but rather a step towards a successful process.

I have offered to help this colleague by working with Jane. The root cause (which is often a symptom of women and leadership): Taking things personally.

1. When a woman’s business idea is under attack or questioned: the WOMAN feels personally attacked. Soon enough the woman becomes insecure and things deteriorate from that point forward.
2. Compliments are a constant requirements —- This becomes exhausting.
3. Women want constant and uniform agreement of ideas. Fact: There are differences of opinion and we should be comfortable with that.
4. Women carry grudges: if someone did not like my business idea, I am not going to like them, FOREVER! vs. Let’s get a beer and hash it out, or shoot some hoops!
5. Women seek conformity and approval vs. being comfortable with being the crazy one with the wild vision! People follow those with vision not those seeking approval and conformity!
6. Questioning or offering feedback is not personal failure, but rather a step in the right path.
7. Embrace criticism as much if not more than you love compliments.
8. And the list goes on.

Jane is extremely competent as a computer scientist. We just need to toughen Jane up to not take things personally and let criticism bounce off of her! And being tough does not mean not soft! A female does not have to loose all of her personal qualities, rather learn to get rid of the BAD QUALITIES which keep her from being successful as a leader!

Last week and this week, I personally encountered two separate but disturbing situations with two different women. Discussions started with what they were doing really well. Smiles abundant. The moment I had to express what WAS NOT working, immediately tears formed, voice quieted down and the entire dynamic of the meeting deteriorated. Unfortunately, the reality is that not everything works out. It is only when we adopt the growth mindset and accept being uncomfortable can we change the world and have equal if not more women leaders and not be a small percentage.

In the world of start-ups, wacky ideas are those that get insanely wacky funding. This is no surprise as women tend to not have wacky ideas. Crazy ideas don’t have followers at the start, only critics!

If we want to change the game, we have to be honest and change what is not working! It is not personal. It is work.

Whether we are talking about a large corporation and wondering why we don’t have enough women in key leadership positions, OR a start-up that just raised tons of money but has a few women in non-leadership positions, OR the fact that we simply don’t see enough women changing the world, it is not always about the circumstances OUT OF our control, but rather about how WE choose to deal with situations.

In Jane’s case, I am happy to report that after a few conversations she is doing much better. Our new ground rule: No Tears and nothing is to be taken personally. Turns out Jane is super cool but to date given her dynamics, very few people know that about Jane.

And finally, it is not about BEING LIKED! Screw that! This is the real world. Be controversial, be different. Let people share their differences of opinion with you and challenge them. Don’t feel cornered, rather have fun as if you were wearing boxing gloves in the gym. Be less worried about being popular and comfortable, and focus on changing the world.

People want to follow those who have great influence and can change the world. You can be that person!