Intimidation…. Sign of strength or insecurity???
Over the last few months in my lectures at universities and in working with entrepreneurs either as board member, advisor or mentor, we have often discussed the topic of intimidation. In this context, I am referring to behavior exhibited by one party specifically in order to take control, force the opposing view/person to back down, and a tactic in interacting with people.
First off, let’s agree that there are gradients of intimidation. ‘Soft Intimidation’ is exhibited in the form of suggestions that you may feel compelled to accept and you feel forced to agree with. Example: “As ALL of us would agree, THIS IS the right path and we should make this decision.If anyone doesn’t agree we should take this offline…” Whatever the issues in question is in this case, if you are the opposing party, you are now on the fence and need to decide if you are going to back down to the intimidator OR stand your ground?
Then there is what I call the ‘totally out of line- off the charts intimidation’. This is where someone totally attacks you and makes it clear that they have one objective ONLY, to get their way. Like an animal looking for its prey nearby, no distractions are accepted and the objective is clear: ‘Kill and eat your prey’! Symptoms include: Lack of patience, not allowing you to complete your sentences, repeated phone calls to make sure you got the message, ridiculous behavior at meeting and generally comes with this sentence:
“Jane, I simply don’t have time for this. This is what we are going to do(1), I am going to see this through (2) , and if you have issues well that is your problem because many of us (3) plan to proceed with this plan. You have to decide if you are with us or against us. I am out-of-time and patience (4) on this and this is a closed case!”. Let’s have some fun and break this down:
(1) What is this (often the issue is ill defined)?
(2) Who put this person in charge?
(3) Suddenly there are many but often no names are mentioned, hmmm?
(4) This means no discussion allowed because we are out of time? Who set the time frame?
This is of course the extreme case. There are many shades in between these two end points. I wanted to focus on the latter as that is where I spend a lot of time with each of you.
Intimidation is the tactic deployed by the weak and the insecure. Remember that! If you are secure, reasonable and rational, there is no reason to resort to such tactics, right? So, first off when you encounter this reaction, just take a moment, smile and don’t react. Secondly, it is done to specifically elicit a reaction in you (fear) and gain control (power) over the situation. Again, tactics only deployed by the weak and insecure. Key to such intimidation: DON’T REACT!
Recently I witnessed the quintessential irrational intimidation exhibited by a person whom I used to respect. It was a classic case and I absolutely enjoyed seeing him make a fool of himself. I said very little, just observed as his voice and tone (and nostrils) flared up, face turned red and he acted like an absolute idiot! I did what I am recommending you: I just sat back, let him totally exhaust himself. I did not react. Further phone calls trying to gain ground also failed, as I did not react (or show any emotion). I simply said: “ hmmm. This seems like a tough situation, we better take time and think through this”.
Once you ignore the intimidation it goes away ! Poof! It is only a problem if you react and respond to it. And add a smile at the worse moment: that totally throws the ‘intimidator’ in a spiral…. This is useless behavior and should be responded as such: Ignore the intimidator!
I am totally with you. Not reacting is the best way to deal with intimidation. When one is so powerless that he has to use intimidation to gain his power, he is desperate emotionally. Don’t react to anyone who is emotionally unstable. Those of us who parented teens know the rule. 🙂
This reminds me of one of my bosses at a previous employer. After a company 360 review, my boss’s results were very poor. She immediately got everyone together in a meeting to find out what was wrong with us and who gave her such bad remarks. She failed to understand that the 360 review was supposed to be anonymous and feedback about her, not shortcomings of her direct reports. Needless to say, turnover was very high in this person’s group.
Peer to Peer intimidation is always the easiest situation to deal with. As you wrote, ignoring them is the easiest way to handle it.
Unfortunately, the more common form of intimidation is when it comes down from upper management. The common way to deal with that type is usually to just leave. This option, of course, is difficult as it requires finding a new job, not an easy task these days. The other alternative is to stand up to the intimidation and hope for the best.
Luckily, I have never had to deal with any form of work place intimidation, but I have talked with some who have. Sometimes it turns out for the best, other times it doesn’t. It’s just luck of the draw.
I agree with the underlying problems that Intimidators have – insecurity and a weak constitution. Unfortunately, the remedy is not always as easy as sitting back and watching your aggressor blow themselves out. Often times, the people that perpetrate these intimidating tactics are our managers, senior leaders, and influential peers. The corporate world, as we know, is a political minefield not substantially different from TV’s Survivor. Standing up to Intimidators or even reacting in a way that’s contrary to their desire is potentially dangerous and can seriously damage alliances that have been forged over long periods of time. As we learned at recess on the ball fields in grade school, never give a bully the satisfaction of seeing an honest reaction. At work, always consider the cultural risks and potential downside of resisting an Intimidators tactics. Maybe it’s better to live another day…
This goes beyond just business; this is life advice. Keeping a rational perspective in the face of irrational reaction is a life-skill and if individuals are able to incorporate that into their business interactions they’ll be better off for it. I think that’s the key point though that you make, that emotion shouldn’t play a factor in decision making. Insecurity, anger, rage, jealousy, and fear are all emotions that clouds one’s ability to make clear level-headed decisions. What you’re advocating for is removing those distractions and focusing on reason and patience which provide security and sound decision making.
I was particularly intrigued by your discussion on “soft intimidation” – this is quite common to see especially from newer managers trying to get their agenda through. And, I completely get the idea of acting rationally, keeping personal emotions at bay. However, there are situations where you have to take a side and most often people who feel insecure about gaining support will use their tone and behavior to have their way. What do you do in crucial situations where you are not in agreement but have to take a side and your boss is being completely impatient? Sometimes “not reacting” is not an option and disagreement will put you up on the wall of shame.
I actually get a lot of the “soft intimidation” that you speak of. Most of the communication that I receive is generally directed professionally, but not without its drawbacks. The best example I can think of involves the use of “cc’ing” in email. Generally, the person who wants action will copy someone of greater stature to force their idea through without discussion. I have found that the best way to deal with this is by calling the person on the phone and actually having a discussion about the topic. This seems to bring out the rationale behind what they might want and tends to spark some discussion around the topic itself. It also has the added benefit of forcing the intimidator to face the person they were directing their intimidation at.
Not to repeat everyone else, but definitely Insecurity.
I’ve always found it that someone who knows what they are doing, and are actually up to a task assigned is confident, and will eventually naturally lead everyone around them to a goal.
Whereas, when someone uses intimidation tactics, its always been that they have something to prove, are showing off, or need to compensate for something.
I agree, alot of times it’s insecurity and usually it comes from upper management but peer to peer intimidation is pretty common as well. As individuals feel insecure about their limitations and if they are less inclined to learn than appear to know everything, then they automatically switch on their defenses. It’s important for essential for even experts to be humble always have their minds open to learning from others. This is how great ideas get started many times as people who may be new to a subject bring fresh perspectives and ideas. Staying humble, keeping your ears open, and most importantly respecting everyone alike is essential for one’s own personal growth.